One Step At a Time

I sit a lot. I walk some. I think constantly. When I'm coherent, sometimes I'm able to write what I'm thinking about in a way that helps others. I've been thinking about all the things I've had to do the last month that I never had to do before in my life. I imagine anyone who has had cancer may have gone through some of the same things.

I needed to say out loud to someone "I have breast cancer" Not "I have some health issues, or I've got a medical problem, or I'm going to be out." I had to say "I have cancer," and that was more difficult than I thought it would be.

Then there is the reaction. What do people do with that information. It scares the mess out of most people, unless they've had cancer and are on the other side - Then they hug you. For most, the first inclination is to say "I'm so sorry." Nothing wrong with that, but then what?

If you can take it, don't let a friend hold it in. Help her face it, but know it's a personal internal battle that requires REAL support, not just a cheerleader on the side. You gotta get in the game and be willing to battle and get dirty. Help her plan and anticipate all the things that will not be normal, but keep her from stressing out over them. That's what so many have done for me. Help her practice saying "I have cancer." Listen as she tells her story, don't pry - but don't be shocked either.

As I've walked this path, I've become more aware of what friends do. I've seen amazing warriors fighting with not just me but other friends. One friend took weeks off of work just to be there for a friend. A group of friends made custom jewelry and sold it online and at parties for a friend. One of other my friends took a fighter who is nearing the end on the trip of a lifetime - sacrificing her money and her time. One friend wrote a check for $1,000 to pay a medical bill. That's not sideline cheerleading. - That's in the game. And those gestures make a HUGE difference. And often, the people who step up to help tell no one. That is bearing one another's burdens (Galations 6:2) and it's beutiful illustration of Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 That starts by saying "Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their efforts. For if either falls, his companion can lift him up."

So as I go through this journey, I am taking it one step at a time. Everything hasn't been flawless, but it's all good. Currently, I'm learning how to say "Yes, I need help," and I'm thankful for the positive response. When someone says, "let me know if you need anything" instead of the usual "OK, I will" I'm practicing responding with very specific requests. It's hard and humbling. People told me this would happen. I'm learning.

Thank You For the Encouragement

I didn't mean for my last post to be so dramatic and depressing. Sorry about that. I was just being completely transparent. I really am OK. And I have so many people helping that it is fabulous. I just had a friend here this morning so Stephen could go out shopping after he took Ian to school. You guys are wonderful. And all of you who have offered but I haven't taken you up on it yet, get ready - I'll be needing more help.

I'm leaving the house now to go back for an additional unexpected surgery. Hopefully this will take care of the lack of healing on my right side and my skin won't bleed so much and stink so bad. I don't normally post much on Facebook, but I will post an update. Pray for healing.

And as always. Thank you. I feel your love and support every day.

I Am Not Alone

I've never been one to go to the restroom when the rest of the women go. I've never been to a girls night out or wanted to attend any function that targeted moms or women. (Although I have been willingly taken to a few such gatherings - and appreciated the thoughtfulness of the person who invited me). And I dread going to showers of any type. It's not that I am judgmental in any way. I do not think that others should not participate in, or furthermore enjoy those types of events. It is clear to me that that type of female camaraderie is beautiful. It's just not me - it's never been me. It doesn't fit. (Full disclosure: I went to Meredith College when it was pretty strictly an all women's institution and to this day, I highly value the experiences I had there that would have been different with guys in the mix, but even then, I still never went in a herd to the restroom.)

I've admired groups of girls who have been friends since high school and continued to go on annual trips together and thought "man, that's cool." I've witnessed beautiful gestures like teams of female friends banding together and spending all weekend in tents participating in a Komen Race for the Cure event. As a side note - I have sponsored friends and teams and appreciate all the money that has paid for the research that has made my experience different than my grandmother's experience. Truly.

Now I've noticed an interesting dynamic in my relationships with females though my recent experiences. When I was first diagnosed, it seemed everyone who had been touched by breast cancer almost felt it her duty to reach out to me. I appreciated it, because I was clueless. Every female who was even curious, who knows how wide open I am, came in droves to ask me questions. I've never hung around so many women in my life. Then right after surgery, the care giver oozed out of a few people who in some cases got more than they bargained for (tee hee - you ladies know who you are).

As time goes on and I'm still just barely improving, I'm noticing that some people are scared to ask. No one wants to hear that I'm not really getting any better. What do you do with that as a concerned friend? It's scary. Do you keep offering to do the same thing? Is the person on the other end tired of hearing "hang in there, be patient, let people take care of you." But really it's OK. If you have a friend or if this is ever you, it's OK. It's OK to ask. If someone's overly private, you'll know. I have a friend who has sent me a card every week. My mother in law will not let me be alone at the house for an hour. She's here - even if other people come by - she's here. I love it.

At the same time, the longer this drags on, the harder it is to fight the feeling that it's old news. It's boring. I keep thinking no one wants to come sit with someone who can't do anything and might fall asleep in the middle of a conversation. I don't want to risk wearing everyone else out. Which brings me to the biggest epiphany I've had thus far:

One of the toughest things to face is the isolating nature of not only having cancer, but the recovery process.

You know that life has not stopped for everyone else like it has for you.

Consider this:

Surgical drains that were supposed to come out in 7 days, 10 at the most, are still in 18 days later
You can't drive
You can't cook
You can't take a real shower
You stink and you know it
You can't brush your hair
You can't always think straight
When you need help, sometimes it's just nasty
You hate to ask anyone caring for you for "one more thing"
You are starting to have all these ideas about what you should be doing with your time...and then you remember, your body doesn't work, and your mind only half works, so someone has to help you or do it for you.

Without going into too much detail, that's where I am. I wish I could magically heal for my husband's sake and so that Ian could give me a "real hug" (he says that's what he's looking forward to the most). I said in my first post that I'm more concerned about the people around me. I still am. I can't take care of myself, but I wish no one else had to either. That's not fair to anyone else. But if you have been one of the many who has pitched in - thank you. I know it's uncomfortable and I'm OK with that if you are OK with that - we'll work past it. I am fighting isolation - I am. Rather than turn inward, I'm choosing to ask for help.

I don't ever want to be a burden, but right now, I just can't pull my weight. Thank you to everyone who is helping Stephen as he pulls it for me. I've always read Galatians 6:2 as the one helping carry someone else's burden. Now I'm seeing the other side. You are all lifting me up and reminding me daily that I am not alone. Much love. I appreciate you.

Recovering Well

Good news today at the doctor. One surgical drain removed! Woo Hoo! If you know what those are, man they feel great coming out don't they? OUCH. If you are easily grossed out, I'm sorry already, skip to the next paragraph. If you are still reading, I go back in Monday for the other drain to be checked. My right side skin is just not recovering. Not enough regeneration on the back side because the cancer cells were so massive. Pathology report said the tumor was 6 x 4 x 4.5 cm. Yeah, that's pretty darn big. Still draining an average of 40 or more a day. At least all that nasty is getting out of my body instead of staying in.

On the lighter, non-medical side of life, evidently I have been relaxing. Blood pressure has consistently been around 100/60 (I guess technically that's medical). Yeah - you read it right. I'm telling you. Chilled out. I still am not clear to drive. I like being chauffeured. Seriously. But the cheapest I can find one way to work is $50 . Can't pay that twice a day...so I'll stay home. I'm glad I LOVE our house. My better half (Woody, Steve, Stephen - that guy) has been amazing. He took leave from work so he can be here with me and that means he's making our house even more awesome. When he goes to coach in the afternoons, I've had so many different friends pitch in and take care of me. You guys are just amazing. I am feeling truly blessed and realizing there is a big difference between breast cancer and shoulder rotator cuff tears. I thank God daily for my amazing surgeons, and for my precious family and friends. Here's to down time and recovering well.

Just a Little Patience

Based on previous surgeries, I figured by now that I'd be back to normal and doing everything I can normally do. Well, not this time. I can't lift, pull, or push anything significant. I've been told not to lift my arms over my head. Still. I'm like, dude - it's been a week. I should be good to go by now right? Wrong.

I can't type much at a time, so even if I want to grab my computer for long periods of time, I can't. That's why the blog posts are short and scant.

But you know what I can do? Practice patience. Pretty much everything that happens to and around me has to be done by someone else. I can ask for something to be done, and then I wait. It might not be done the way I wanted it to be done, or it might...either way - it's done, and I get to say thank you and be patient. I am more aware every day of how much I am actually loved as friends come to the house, pick up Ian, buy groceries, cook dinner, bring food, help me wash my hair, take me to the doctor, clean the kitchen floor, get the mail, open cards...and the list goes on.

So many of you have sent notes, sent me a short text to encourage me, told me you're praying for me, or done one of the things listed above...I'm just grateful. Extremely grateful. I am getting better. I am healing. Not as quickly as I've anticipated, and not without challenges, but the doctor said today that I am getting better. So, I just need to be patient.

And yes, if any of you were Guns N Roses fans in the 80s (or just listened to the radio a lot like I did), you hear it too:
Said woman take it slow, and it'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience...

I'm HOME!

I'm home in my comfy bed. My surgeons said all went well. They removed 3 nodes on the right and 1 on the left and preliminary reports indicate that I am all clear.
The pathology  report will come back Tuesday or Wednesday.

Thanks for all the prayers and encouragement..

It Matters

I've been so busy trying to handle my business that at times I've forgotten what "tell me how I can help you" means. I was reminded by the thoughtfulness of my teammates at work today - I am surrounded by incredibly supportive people.

I'm not a very private person. I never have been. But this has caused me to put my head down and feel like I have to take on the world by myself. But I don't have to take on the world - and I certainly can't do it by myself. And fortunately my friends won't let me. So if you know that's you. Thank you. Thank you for hugging me even though you know that's risky ;-). Thank you for being persistent and getting in my business. Thank you for sending me messages and cards and gift cards. Thank you for letting me struggle and offering to help. It matters.

I've always had a drive to make someone else's day better. I was the teacher who wanted to make the world a happier place for every student and sometimes it meant a little extra for maybe that one kid. That's why I do what I do. And I know in those instances, like now, it's the little things that matter. 

When people tell me they are happy to do something for me, I have to stop thinking that I'm inconveniencing them. We need each other - that's why God put us all here together. We won't always like each other and we won't always get along. When all is said and done love and respect have to win. I'm learning that.

Cancer is stressful. It's not only stressful for the person who's got it - It's stressful for the person who's taking care of them. It's stressful for coworkers. It's stressful for family members. It's stressful for everyone who wants to help and fix it but feels helpless and doesn't know what to say. But the point is, even in that stress, we have each other. We can walk together or try to walk alone. Thank you for not allowing me to walk alone.

It's Real

Life right now reminds me of one of those action movies that has cut shots of variable speed, freeze motion like the Matrix - everything kind of slows down and the main character breezes through stuff that if it happened at real speed would blur so much that you wouldn't be able to see it...yeah - it's like that. Everyone around me is still cruising right along with the business of life. I'm trying to keep up, but it's like everything is whirling around me while I dodge obstacles and process and observe at a tenth the speed and just try to take it all in. I normally go through cycles of full speed ahead then a little lull, but this is different than a lull - very different.

I have zero control over most of what is getting ready to happen to me this week. Initially I was able to choose my surgeons, but now it's game on. The world will continue to blow by. I'm truly OK with not keeping up right now. All I will do is take the next breath, soak it all in and get better. It's real.

Let Me Know What You Need

Since my initial diagnosis in August, so many people have said "let me know what you need." It's hard to take advantage of all of those sincere offers because sometimes, until you're in the middle of something, you don't know what you need. People hire wedding planners all the time because they don't know what they need. They've never done it before. I'd like to hire a cancer planner right now, because I've never done this before, and I don't know what I'll need next week.

I do know for me, the strangest dynamic of this journey so far is no longer drawing a line between "work" friends and "not work" friends. Everyone has quickly become part of the same support system. That's new for me. So now that all my friends and colleagues have collided, let me once again thank you for walking with me through this. Stay tuned here and I'll let you know what I need, except of course next week when I won't be able to use my arms for like two days...Did anyone besides my husband want to volunteer to come feed me?