Twists and Turns in the Road

I've taken a hiatus from writing for a while. After my father transitioned to heaven while I was still recovering from surgery post breast cancer, I just needed a minute to breathe. So many things have happened in the interim. Life has moved too far at too fast a pace to process at all. From what I understand, most of the world slowed down during COVID lockdowns. I did not. Life moved faster during that time than it ever had because our team at work helps teachers learn how to use technology. In the spring of 2020, teachers who struggled to check email were suddenly thrust into teaching all of their classes online. It was a hectic time for our team and it took its toll. While some people soaked in the time to spend with family and slow down and take stock of what was important in life, we were spending 12 to 14 hours a day working with teachers, making screencast videos, facilitating online training (you see the irony, right?), calling parents and students, distributing technology and just trying to help everyone stay afloat. We are instructional support people. It’s what we do. At least it’s what I’ll do until this spring.

I've made the decision that I'm retiring from the WCPSS central office this spring. After 30 years working in the public school system, I'm ready to try something different. It's been both the hardest decision I've ever made and the easiest decision I've ever made. I have no idea what's next but I'm not scared.

Retiring when you have so much invested in what you do (and could still continue to do) is a very strange thing. I've been trying to really come to terms with the emotions that I'm feeling. I've had other friends say that they had mixed feelings but no one's ever really been able to define what that means for me. 

What I've learned is that I'm walking through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It's been healthy as I move in and out of stages to acknowledge what's going on and call it what it is. It was hard to explain to those around me until I was able to name it. In 2015, there were days when my family questioned if I'd even live to see this day. Seven years passed in a blink, and now that I am here, it's both scary and exhilarating all at the same time. 

I started working for our family business doing invoicing and answering phones when I was eight. I worked in college even on full scholarship. I cannot imagine not having a full-time job. “You're too young to not work” has been said to me a ton the past few months. Probably true. However, I have a beautiful 15 year old son and a fabulous husband of 26 years who I'd like to spend more time getting to know without cancer or the pressures of all the things I have to do for work constantly lingering in the back of my mind. 

So the road ahead is about to take some twists and turns, and we'll see where it leads. We're ready to embrace it. I'm in good hands.

Proverbs 16:9

In their hearts human beings plan their lives. But the LORD decides where their steps will take them.

The Almost, But Not Quite

My last reconstruction surgery was May 18th.

I'm almost ready to go back to work, but not quite.

I'm almost able to do stuff for myself, but not quite.

I'm almost healed up, but not quite.

I really am trying to be patient. I am trying not to push too hard. I am thankful to be here and to be cancer free. I am thankful to have an amazing plastic surgeon who could put me back together better than before. And I am thankful that the one activity deemed off limits during recovery is vacuuming - it is absolutely not allowed under any circumstance for 8 weeks. Not a bad deal, right?

But I just can't quite mentally check in. I'm trying - maybe I'm trying too hard. But this month has been tough. First our sweet dog got really sick from cushings syndrome and had to go to sleep forever, then I had my surgery, then my dad quickly deteriorated and passed away last week.

Of course I've been more emotional than normal - who wouldn't be? I want to take time to process what right now feels a little overwhelming. But I don't want to be overwhelmed. As I try to re-engage before what is shaping up to be a busy summer, I will take a deep breath and approach life one day at a time, realizing that each day is a gift. I'm almost able to do that, but not quite. But I will get there.

There is a Light

A little over a year ago, our lives changed forever. I wouldn't have asked for it, but I wouldn't trade it. I know we've turned inward to some degree, but we've also reached out and been able to ask for help.

I've allowed friends to see me. Even friends who are nothing like me. I've allowed others to take care of me (as if I had a choice!) and take care of our family. I process every moment and try to live in it, knowing that in a week, I may not remember it at all. I value people more and have become even more of a champion for the success of others.

I've also learned what an amazing gift of a husband I have and how God has uniquely designed our little mini me to fit perfectly in this family He has given us. It's humbling when you are cared for that much when you know you deserve nothing. These two guys have attempted to maintain a sense of order while basically putting life on hold for me twice in a year.

It's hard for someone who has never been there to realize the impact. I've barely left the house for the better part of a month except for a few short trips here and there. I'm just now getting back to work part time. Some days I just can't think straight. Other days I can't stop thinking. Some days we sit and do almost nothing. The lesser side effects of tamoxifen have chosen me, so some nights I just don't sleep - other days/nights I sleep for 12 hours.

Through it all, I can't say thank you enough to everyone who has encouraged me along this journey.
This has been a learning experience, but not a tragedy. You've all helped keep the light at the end of the tunnel in a place where I could always see it.

Thank you

One Step Forward, One Step Sideways

As I'm lying here today in bed, wishing my back felt a little better, watching a football game I don't really care about, it took me 5 minutes to write this sentence. Why you ask?

Do I lay in bed? Do I lie in bed? You know I like to get things right when I write...I just had to make sure by visiting Get It Write - http://www.getitwriteonline.com/archive/051402lielay.htm

I know, right. Pray for me. I'm overthinking everything right now.

Even so -
   My sweet husband took us for a quick 20 minute outing yesterday right down the street to get a pumpkin. Ian asked if we could go get a pumpkin and there's a pumpkin patch less than 5 miles away, so why not? This is significant, because it's not something we normally do, but I really wanted to get outside in the gorgeous weather for just a little while.
   Ian enjoyed being the strong man and carrying a pumpkin around. It was amusing to see how many pumpkins were perfect. Then Ian and Woody held the pumpkin up to the mule for approval. The mule was on the other side of an electric fence.

Details...What a fun time.

I Love My Boys

I am a blessed woman. Woody and Ian take care of me physically and look for little ways to bring joy while I can't do much for myself. If you've ever met them, no explanation needed - you know I am a blessed woman.

The past two weeks, they've shown me love in some very tangible ways. Woody knows I love sunflowers, so when he saw a sunflower balloon while grocery shopping, he knew it had to come home with the eggs and milk. No watering required.

When Woody goes to soccer practice or a soccer game, Ian gets the privilege of being in charge and making sure I behave. We decided to try to help daddy out and do some laundry. As is generally the case, Ian found an opportunity to be a comedian and ended up in the dryer. He knows that laughter is medicine and he is hysterical!

I am recovering more slowly than I would like, but I am trying to soak in the opportunity I've been given to slow down and appreciate being loved.

When Life Gives You Apples...

I was thinking earlier today about the saying "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Well right now, I'm not making lemonade, because I have not been given lemons. I am making apple pie, apple crisp, apple braid, baked apples, applesauce, apple butter, caramel apples...hungry yet? I could keep going like Forest Gump on this one. I have been given apples, not lemons.

My surprise visit to Ian's classroom to see his project.

It is difficult to have surgery after surgery and bounce back and recover. It's a little tart. My body has really been put through the ringer over the past year. But I have a great surgeon, and I don't have cancer anymore. I have a precious husband and an adorable son who take such good care of me, allowing me to rest and recover. I live in a place where access to fantastic medical care is a 15 minute drive in any direction. That's sweet. My situation is workable and like an apple pie baking in the oven, the entire house is affected by it. We're all a little stronger, a little more resilient, and a little more understanding.

Right now, I am very much a slowly recovering patient. I still have surgical drains in (if you don't know what those are, you don't want to know) and I spend most of my day sitting in a chair or laying in bed trying to be good and not use my right arm. I have been fortunate to get out of the house twice now for two short trips - I just wore a jacket to cover the drains up. I am better every day and I so appreciate everyone who has brought food, sent cards and texts and checked in on me. We're just taking this one day at a time and being patient. Kind of like waiting for an apple pie to bake. 

In case I got you hungry to make something with apples and you need ideas, 50 Things you can do with Apples - Food Network (Can you guess what I lay in bed and watch on TV?)

Every day is a great day. See you soon.

e

I'm Writing Again

I've been quiet for some time.

I haven't wanted to write.

Because I haven't wanted to reflect.

Good writing starts with solid thinking and reflection. Since mid-way through radiation in March, I've just wanted to push through, get 'er done and not think about anything. Well, I'm awake at 1:00 AM thinking about the past year and next week.

If you've been around me at all during this process, male or female, you've probably heard me joke about the "perks" of my situation (sorry guys). I try to keep it light and find the silver lining, because at the end of the day I am keenly aware that what is going to happen is going to happen. All I can control is my perspective, and many days I need God to straighten that out for me (and he always does).

Next week I start reconstruction. I almost decided against it because I know it is going to be a painful process. I admire women like the founder of bold and breastless, and although I'm almost there, that is not me. I'm hoping to live with this body for quite a while and I'd really like for a women's shirt to fit again.

Thanks for praying and thinking about us.