Control

In the 80s, one of my favorite songs was Control by Janet Jackson. I wanted to be my own version of her - Miss Roddy* if you're nasty. The song Control is all about how much better life is because now I'm grown and I get to do whatever I want and make all my own decisions. When Ian occasionally expresses that, we usually remind him - you can start now by getting a job and paying bills. Can I get an AMEN? 

While I think we all feel that way at times, after an unplanned 43 days of zero control, I would argue the opposite. Now I'm all grown up, and I have learned something very valuable about letting go and letting someone else be in control. For me, the process begins with trust: deep, meaningful, tested trust. When I know someone is going to lead well and take care of me, it is easy to give in and let someone else drive. So now I have to ask myself - if I feel like I have to be in control - where is the trust issue? And how do I build trust in the situation so that I am open to learn and not have to be in control?

I'll be honest - it is a blessing for me to have few choices right now. It really is. Life is simple. I can focus my energy on important choices about treatments and procedures because I don't have to wonder what I will wear or what I will eat. The few times I have tried to worry about that, it just got me flustered. When I leave the house, I don't choose where I'm going. All I have to do is get in the car and my husband drives me to appointments. Stephen asks for my input when there are choices, but ultimately, it's impossible to call the shots in my position, and he's much better at it than me anyway.

With all that said, last Friday the 16th, the oncologist told me she is not recommending chemo, the breast surgeon released me, and my plastic surgeon performed a third surgery to try to get my skin to heal (knocked me WAY back). One more in-office local anesthesia procedure Monday and I'm hoping we just wait and people stop poking and prodding me for a few weeks. I really would like to feel good for one whole week and tell the doctor "don't call me, I'll call you." I've already started taking something called tamoxifen to prevent the recurrence of cancer, so the radiation can wait for a while until I'm healed. My body is still adjusting to some of my meds, so sometimes I'm out cold and other times I can't sleep for a bit - one reason I'm writing at 3 AM...

For now, I learn to wait, I continue to learn to trust and I give up control.

* Roddy was my last name before I married my knight in shining shin guards and became Mrs. Woodard