Quiz time. Answer the following question based on how well you know me:
erika is just as likely to wear or own something pink as much as any other color
___ True
___ False
When I was very first diagnosed with breast cancer, while I could not say it out loud, I was astounded at the peace God gave me about it. I knew about pink ribbons, walks, and awareness, but thought "that's for everyone else, not for me." I joked with a friend who had just had breast cancer surgery that we would not be pink pals and that pink would not define us. We're not girly girls.
So here I sit, covered with a fantastic pink blanket adorned with pink ribbons that an extremely thoughtful friend from work brought me. I love it and it's on my bed all the time. My husband bought me a really cool grey shirt with a huge graphic pink ribbon on the front and he bought himself hot pink socks and a black coaches hat with a hot pink ribbon on it. I love watching all of the NFL players wearing pink. All my mess has been perfectly timed to align with breast cancer awareness month, so there is pink everywhere, and I have to admit, I now think it's way cool.
So, if you answered the quiz question above False, you would have been right. But moving forward don't be scared if I sport pink from time to time. I'm still me, but I'm learning a lot on this journey, and I won't be afraid to gently share it. Yeah, I said gently. You can smile now.
e
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Friday, October 23, 2015
Control
In the 80s, one of my favorite songs was Control by Janet Jackson. I wanted to be my own version of her - Miss Roddy* if you're nasty. The song Control is all about how much better life is because now I'm grown and I get to do whatever I want and make all my own decisions. When Ian occasionally expresses that, we usually remind him - you can start now by getting a job and paying bills. Can I get an AMEN?
While I think we all feel that way at times, after an unplanned 43 days of zero control, I would argue the opposite. Now I'm all grown up, and I have learned something very valuable about letting go and letting someone else be in control. For me, the process begins with trust: deep, meaningful, tested trust. When I know someone is going to lead well and take care of me, it is easy to give in and let someone else drive. So now I have to ask myself - if I feel like I have to be in control - where is the trust issue? And how do I build trust in the situation so that I am open to learn and not have to be in control?
With all that said, last Friday the 16th, the oncologist told me she is not recommending chemo, the breast surgeon released me, and my plastic surgeon performed a third surgery to try to get my skin to heal (knocked me WAY back). One more in-office local anesthesia procedure Monday and I'm hoping we just wait and people stop poking and prodding me for a few weeks. I really would like to feel good for one whole week and tell the doctor "don't call me, I'll call you." I've already started taking something called tamoxifen to prevent the recurrence of cancer, so the radiation can wait for a while until I'm healed. My body is still adjusting to some of my meds, so sometimes I'm out cold and other times I can't sleep for a bit - one reason I'm writing at 3 AM...
For now, I learn to wait, I continue to learn to trust and I give up control.
* Roddy was my last name before I married my knight in shining shin guards and became Mrs. Woodard
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
A Ray of Sunshine
I've had blood drawn three times this week - 4 and 5 vials at a time. I've had shots, I've been poked and prodded and I no longer have an ounce of modesty about my top half being naked. LIKE NONE. (Be warned if you are thinking about coming to visit - JUST KIDDING) Fortunately I am in the hands of amazing professionals all the way from the receptionists to the schedulers to the nurses to the doctors and surgeons. Man do have an outstanding team. They know what they are doing and they are just great people to be around. Every visit, we are serious and we get at least one good BIG laugh.
My first appointment today was with my family doc. He came in the room and said asked how I'd been. I said "I'm doing well. Have you been getting all of the updates about my breast cancer? Every time I fill out paperwork for a new specialist, I ask them to send you everything."
He paused for second, looked at me and said "you're kidding. I heard you two (Stevie and me) in here cracking jokes and giggling, I walk in here and you are smiling and happy...I thought the staff was confused and gave me the wrong name. You really do have breast cancer."
"Well yea, and I am so well taken care of." And so started my morning of appointments. He sent me to get blood work and the phlebotomist drawing my blood said "you two are just a ray of sunshine. Thank you." That's not a compliment you get every day.
As we were riding to the next appointment, Stephen said "you know you have to blog about that." So here I am. And what I am left thinking is that there is a joy in embracing whatever life throws at you. When you are 100% convinced that God is in control no matter what, then there may be sadness and a dark moment here and there, but the overarching theme to life is joy. A deep, genuine thankfulness and thoughtfulness about every moment - even the moments that just seem mundane. Cancer is no fun, but spending countless hours with my best friend and confidant Stephen Woodard at my side, even if much of it is filled with doctors and everything that goes with that, is a gift. It's a gift that I don't waste energy questioning. I can't. There are no satisfactory answers. Instead I embrace the journey, full on, knowing that as we tell people every day - it is what it is. The rest is what you make it.
My first appointment today was with my family doc. He came in the room and said asked how I'd been. I said "I'm doing well. Have you been getting all of the updates about my breast cancer? Every time I fill out paperwork for a new specialist, I ask them to send you everything."
He paused for second, looked at me and said "you're kidding. I heard you two (Stevie and me) in here cracking jokes and giggling, I walk in here and you are smiling and happy...I thought the staff was confused and gave me the wrong name. You really do have breast cancer."
"Well yea, and I am so well taken care of." And so started my morning of appointments. He sent me to get blood work and the phlebotomist drawing my blood said "you two are just a ray of sunshine. Thank you." That's not a compliment you get every day.
As we were riding to the next appointment, Stephen said "you know you have to blog about that." So here I am. And what I am left thinking is that there is a joy in embracing whatever life throws at you. When you are 100% convinced that God is in control no matter what, then there may be sadness and a dark moment here and there, but the overarching theme to life is joy. A deep, genuine thankfulness and thoughtfulness about every moment - even the moments that just seem mundane. Cancer is no fun, but spending countless hours with my best friend and confidant Stephen Woodard at my side, even if much of it is filled with doctors and everything that goes with that, is a gift. It's a gift that I don't waste energy questioning. I can't. There are no satisfactory answers. Instead I embrace the journey, full on, knowing that as we tell people every day - it is what it is. The rest is what you make it.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
More Like A Person Than A Patient
Today was a gorgeous day outside. Over the last month, I've watched a lot of rain and I've seen a few days that looked beautiful through the window, but today, I got to go outside and be in it.
I started preparing yesterday by taking a shower. As wonderful as a shower is, it is difficult. It takes a lot of work and I still need help because two surgeries later, I'm still healing. I can't do everything I'd like to be able to do with my arms and I have to be careful about twisting. Fortunately I have hair that just does its thing no matter what, so that is a non issue. It doesn't have to be straightened and it doesn't get offended if I ignore it and don't style it.
Stephen let me sleep really late this morning, so I woke up with plenty of energy. Some friends of ours were gathering this afternoon in Cary and a band we love was playing at Koka Booth for the celebration. I've been begging him to take me for weeks. So I brushed my hair, put on jeans and a Pittsburgh Steelers polo shirt and socks. I almost got dressed all by myself - but I did need a little help. The highlight was that I wasn't wearing the clothes I slept in and they weren't cotton blend stretch.
I wore REAL CLOTHES for the first time since September 9th.
I walked outside and enjoyed the gorgeous day. I stood up. I sat down. I walked around. I hugged friends (very gently). I felt like a person. Apart from very few friends, most of the people at Koka Booth didn't know that I had been battling breast cancer, so I was treated like a person, not a patient. We couldn't stay very long, but we got to hear the Katinas a little and we got to sing with the worship band. That was HUGE for me because I haven't been able to go to church in a month.
As we walked to the car, I breathed deeply. I thanked Stephen for letting me twist his arm and bring me out. I appreciated every moment of sunshine and fresh air. And as I got in the car it hit me - today I felt more like a person than a patient. That made all the difference.
I started preparing yesterday by taking a shower. As wonderful as a shower is, it is difficult. It takes a lot of work and I still need help because two surgeries later, I'm still healing. I can't do everything I'd like to be able to do with my arms and I have to be careful about twisting. Fortunately I have hair that just does its thing no matter what, so that is a non issue. It doesn't have to be straightened and it doesn't get offended if I ignore it and don't style it.
Stephen let me sleep really late this morning, so I woke up with plenty of energy. Some friends of ours were gathering this afternoon in Cary and a band we love was playing at Koka Booth for the celebration. I've been begging him to take me for weeks. So I brushed my hair, put on jeans and a Pittsburgh Steelers polo shirt and socks. I almost got dressed all by myself - but I did need a little help. The highlight was that I wasn't wearing the clothes I slept in and they weren't cotton blend stretch.
I wore REAL CLOTHES for the first time since September 9th.
I walked outside and enjoyed the gorgeous day. I stood up. I sat down. I walked around. I hugged friends (very gently). I felt like a person. Apart from very few friends, most of the people at Koka Booth didn't know that I had been battling breast cancer, so I was treated like a person, not a patient. We couldn't stay very long, but we got to hear the Katinas a little and we got to sing with the worship band. That was HUGE for me because I haven't been able to go to church in a month.
As we walked to the car, I breathed deeply. I thanked Stephen for letting me twist his arm and bring me out. I appreciated every moment of sunshine and fresh air. And as I got in the car it hit me - today I felt more like a person than a patient. That made all the difference.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Every Day Is A Good Day
Man have I slept a lot this week. I mean like out cold half the day. SLEPT. I can't believe tomorrow is Friday. I am down to very little pain medicine, but my body just wants to sleep. If I don't leave the house for an appointment, it's like Rip Van Winkle forget what day it is kind of sleep.
Right now I'm in a holding pattern waiting to heal. I try not to do too much and when I am awake, that can be difficult. Try to go through a whole day and keep your arm movement to a minimum. It's just strange. Especially for me - I talk with my hands.
I realized when I put Ian to bed tonight that I haven't driven in a long time. He asked me to sing for him and I couldn't think of anything to sing. I always listen to music in my car. Guess what I am doing tomorrow? Listening to music while we take Ian to meet my mom so he can go spend the next 4 days with his cousins in Waxhaw. He's so excited. By the time he comes back home, I'll be able to sing him to sleep. Happy times.
Right now I'm in a holding pattern waiting to heal. I try not to do too much and when I am awake, that can be difficult. Try to go through a whole day and keep your arm movement to a minimum. It's just strange. Especially for me - I talk with my hands.
I realized when I put Ian to bed tonight that I haven't driven in a long time. He asked me to sing for him and I couldn't think of anything to sing. I always listen to music in my car. Guess what I am doing tomorrow? Listening to music while we take Ian to meet my mom so he can go spend the next 4 days with his cousins in Waxhaw. He's so excited. By the time he comes back home, I'll be able to sing him to sleep. Happy times.
Sunday, October 4, 2015
Hope In Front of Me
One of Ian's favorite songs, Hope In Front of Me by Danny Gokey says:
There's hope in front of me
There's a light I still see it
There's a hand still holding me
Even when I don't believe it
We always need a light in front of us. Sometimes we can't see the light, but we have faith that it is there. That faith gives us hope. That hope allows us to trust and know that God cares for us.
I think most of you know I had surgery again last Tuesday. It went well, and I'm healing slowly. I had already forgotten what square one looked like, and yes, I'm already trying to do too much. I got great news Friday afternoon when the surgical drain came out 3 days sooner than expected! So I am hoping that this procedure will allow my right side to heal.
In all that, we're faced with the same challenges as last time. I still can not help Stephen (Woody) do laundry, dishes, or cook. I can't reach our microwave or our upper cabinets. But I sure can enjoy the food he gives me that people have brought over. Man can you guys make some good tasting food! My dad and I used to joke with each other and say "food be tastin' good. Food be tastin' real good." I've been saying it a lot the last few weeks. On that note, my friend Bridget added some dates for more meals, so if you'd like to jump in, sign up on the food tidings site. If the site gives you trouble, email bridgetb0928@gmail.com and she will help you out.
We had a consultation Friday with the medical oncologist and she pretty much reiterated a lot of what the surgeon has already shared with us, just in more detail. She will help us look at all of the information we can get and help us choose beneficial treatment options. Right now my skin just needs to heal. One step at a time.
I have finally been cleared to take a real shower. Until Sept 10, a shower has been something that I always take for granted that I just do every morning. Tomorrow my shower is going to be an EPIC EVENT! So think about me Monday morning, and wish me all the hot water our system can make.
Thank you to everyone who has pitched in to help us with Ian. It's been tough, but he is very resilient and has barely missed a beat. He has enjoyed all the rides home - it's like a new adventure every day for him. And it's a good reminder to him that we have support and everything is going to be alright.
There's hope in front of me
There's a light I still see it
There's a hand still holding me
Even when I don't believe it
We always need a light in front of us. Sometimes we can't see the light, but we have faith that it is there. That faith gives us hope. That hope allows us to trust and know that God cares for us.
I think most of you know I had surgery again last Tuesday. It went well, and I'm healing slowly. I had already forgotten what square one looked like, and yes, I'm already trying to do too much. I got great news Friday afternoon when the surgical drain came out 3 days sooner than expected! So I am hoping that this procedure will allow my right side to heal.
In all that, we're faced with the same challenges as last time. I still can not help Stephen (Woody) do laundry, dishes, or cook. I can't reach our microwave or our upper cabinets. But I sure can enjoy the food he gives me that people have brought over. Man can you guys make some good tasting food! My dad and I used to joke with each other and say "food be tastin' good. Food be tastin' real good." I've been saying it a lot the last few weeks. On that note, my friend Bridget added some dates for more meals, so if you'd like to jump in, sign up on the food tidings site. If the site gives you trouble, email bridgetb0928@gmail.com and she will help you out.
We had a consultation Friday with the medical oncologist and she pretty much reiterated a lot of what the surgeon has already shared with us, just in more detail. She will help us look at all of the information we can get and help us choose beneficial treatment options. Right now my skin just needs to heal. One step at a time.
I have finally been cleared to take a real shower. Until Sept 10, a shower has been something that I always take for granted that I just do every morning. Tomorrow my shower is going to be an EPIC EVENT! So think about me Monday morning, and wish me all the hot water our system can make.
Thank you to everyone who has pitched in to help us with Ian. It's been tough, but he is very resilient and has barely missed a beat. He has enjoyed all the rides home - it's like a new adventure every day for him. And it's a good reminder to him that we have support and everything is going to be alright.
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