There's Always a Reason

Even if it can't always be explained, there is always a reason why things happen the way they do. I've written 3 blog posts since Nov 7, and none of them have made it to being published. Something about them just felt unsettled. And I felt unsettled.

My skin appeared to be healing. I was able to go back to work just in time to be at our bi-annual conference that our department organizes and it did my heart well. Knowing you are blessed is one thing. Being surrounded in person by the love brings it to a whole new level. I was mentally and emotionally overwhelmed by the hugs, kind words and gestures and just plain being able to see people and be strengthened by being around them. I was reminded once again that I have the best team of colleagues ever and I work with the finest people in the world. I was also once again struck by how amazing my husband is. He chauffeured me, held my hand, sat with me, but also gave me room to be me.

That was Monday and Tuesday. Then we went to the doctor Wednesday for what was supposed to be a good visit. My skin blew up that morning. I thought I had really overdone it and blown it. It wasn't that simple. My surgeon was able to run some tests and pinpoint that my body was completely rejecting the spacer on the side where the 6cm x 4cm x 4cm cancer cells had once been. I went from hopeful to crushed. This makes reconstruction much more complicated. The following Monday he confirmed that surgery would be the only way to fix it. The spacer had to come out. He said "Enjoy Thanksgiving, we'll get your surgery scheduled for Monday, and I want you to call me Friday to talk about it" and that was it. No options, no but what ifs.

In my mind, I sulked for a couple days, I pondered the why questions with no answers and I got WAY wound up about having to go back to the hospital and have ONE MORE IV...noooooooo. In the middle of that, God blessed me with sharing Thanksgiving with both sides of the family and even extended family and I did not have to do anything but show up. I needed that.

I prayed over and over, "Please remove my fear, send me an amazing nurse and let the IV not hurt so stinking bad this time."

So in typical, only God could have orchestrated this fashion, not only was my nurse nurturing, calm, ridiculously competent, and just a quality human being, she also took one look at my hand and said, "I'm going to call the IV team. Would you like some numbing before we run it? Would it be OK with you if we run it somewhere other than your hand?"

"Would you? Could you please?" and out loud I said to Brenda "I love you. You are a direct answer to prayer."

So the IV team nurse comes and starts by looking at my veins with ultrasound. Turns out my veins are just as complex as the rest of my one kidney, oddly woven together body. Both nurses agreed IV should not be run in the back of my hand. EVER. Solves that mystery and makes me feel like much less of a wimp! They told me exactly what to tell the nurses for the next time I have to have surgery (hopefully a year from now).

What I dreaded turned out to be as pleasurable as such an experience could possibly be. Everyone involved in my care today was kind and compassionate and WAY good at his or her job. I just kept thanking everyone. My not-so-tough anymore little e really needed that. It may sound a tad strange, but I had an awe inspiring kind of day that just left me with a smile on my face. God is good.

I Get By With A LOT of Help From My Friends

So even though the Beatles got by with a little help, I've needed way more than a little help. Oct 26, I had my fourth surgery since Sept 10th. It was the least invasive I've had with only local anesthesia, but it knocked me sideways the hardest. I could not do ANYTHING after the initial anesthesia wore off except sleep and lay still in bed watching the rain out the window. I have learned things I never knew about the body as fluids from my swollen lymph nodes ran wild through my latest incision and a nerve got caught in a pain loop. Fun times. God bless my amazing patient husband who bandaged me repeatedly and took such good care of me.

During the slow healing, I have been blessed by family and many friends. One friend who is a massage therapist came all the way to my house ( a LONG drive for him) to work on me! Another friend carved a pumpkin in my honor as part of his annual pumpkin carving. I had to double up on pain meds just to be able to go out for an hour so I could see the pumpkins. My quotable quote when I saw it was "If I wasn't so high I'd cry right now." Once I was home and still, I did cry.


Several friends brought food, cooked dinner and sent gift cards for take out. Family members took Ian for a long weekend so he could relax with cousins, and friends took Ian on a night hike in the woods with legit park rangers and to IHOP to make pancake monsters for dinner. A friend who knows how much I love sweets brought me custom chocolates and pound cake. Amidst all that, there are cards and daily phone calls and texts. I can't say thank you enough.

It's amazing how much encouragement every small act of support has communicated to me. There have been a couple times the last couple weeks when I have struggled a little to stay positive. I straight up asked my surgeon "What is wrong with me? Have you seen all of this before? Be honest." He told me he had seen it all, but he had never seen all of the different things happen in the same person. "But you clearly are not daunted and know what to do with all of them." He assured me that he was good if I was good - and this conversation took place last week while I was being prepped for the fourth surgery which removed some disruptive scar tissue under the skin that was keeping me from healing. So here we are a little over a week later and for the first time at a follow up, we got great news. I'm healing. For real.

I walked into all this knowing that God is in control. I've physically been through the wringer and I know that none of it was a surprise to Him. Each day is filled with appointments and new challenges that I many times don't see coming. None of this has gone according to erika's plan, and that is just fine. I now appreciate each moment that I feel healthy and every hug I get from my hubby and sweet Ian. Life is good, really good. Breathe it in and let your friends and family know you love them and appreciate them - use words if necessary.